Insight into a discombobulated mind

Today is the perfect day to blog about how my life is going...I have so much on my mind, and it would be nice to let it all off without feeling like I'm burdening someone or complaining.

I hate days like today. It's cold, rainy, gloomy, and I don't really have anything to look forward to. Some people like rainy days. I don't understand why. You have to stay inside, it's humid, and cold. Why would you like a day where there is no sunshine and you can't go outside?

It's not that I've been having a bad day, exactly. Just a blah day. I've been having blah days lately. I feel like everything that's happening is out of my control and that it would be nice to have control over something.

Here's the problem: I'm a likable person. (Why is that a problem?) Well, people like me, but they don't necessarily want to be my friend, or do things with me. They just want me when no one else wants them. They wouldn't stand up for me if the situation occured. Sometimes, I'm okay with that, but sometimes I feel lonely. There are two people who I can count on to always want to be with me, but, even then...they have no control over whether or not they can see me. And neither do I. I love spending time with my brother. Especially now that we're older, he's become one of my best friends. He always wants to do something with me, as long as I ask. And then, there's Josh...he is my boyfriend, but it feels weird calling him that. He is one of the best friends that I've ever ever had. He wants to spend time with me. I like being able to see him at school every day and holding his hand and knowing that he's not embarassed to be with me. He likes being with me. Except...his parents are strict...and they don't realize that when they say "no" just for the sake of saying "no" that it affects more people than just him. It's not that they don't like me (I think), but...I just don't understand them. I've done nothing to disrespect them, or prove that I would ever seriously hurt Josh in any way. Maybe they're just protective of him because they love him. And I know they do - they're his parents, of course. But I just can't figure them out. Maybe I'm just out of sorts because he hasn't been in school, he's been sick. It's just those daily little things, daily routines, that I rely on, that keep me going. It's good that he makes me happy, right? Of course, he makes me crazy sometimes too, and I don't understand half of the things he does, but when he tells me that he loves my my heart just melts and I know that I love him too - there's really no question in my heart about that. The little things that make us, us, are what make me happy. And when things get all out of sorts, I don't necessarily have a good day. Maybe I'm too sensitive. Maybe I'm just too sensitive to change. But, who cares? I'm me, and I wisht that some people could see that I have no control over how I feel, how I act, what I say, when I go crazy or get paranoid. Not that it really matters. I'm pretty good at being invisible.

Life is about to change. Big time. And I'm not sure I'm ready. Sure, I'm ready to graduate, and I'm convinced that I'm ready for the responsibility of being an adult. However...I'm not ready to grow up. I don't want to lose my innocence, my youthfulness. It seems like that when people grow up, they lose the appreciation for the little things in life. Simple things. Things you wouldn't really notice, until they're gone. Things like watching a puppy sleep, or cuddling with someone you love, or someone giving you a hug when you're down without saying anything, the way the sun looks when it sets, the way the sun shines a little brighter when you're having a good day, they way you feel when you hear that perfect song on the radio, seeing your significant other and being able to give them a good morning/night kiss or holding their hand - squeezing it for encouagement...oh, I could go on, but...you get the point. I would never be able to give all those little things up. Sure, they're little, but they're what keeps me going throughout the day. Going to college is going to change everything, being a thousand miles away from my family, my friends, from Josh. I'm strong, yes, so I can make those sorts of relationships work. But, honestly? I'm terrified. And I hate admitting that. And I hate admitting that I need help accepting the fact that I'm growing up, and I don't want to be. And I know that Josh and I both have to leave and go our seperate ways, but he just makes me so happy, and if he goes to the Air Force Academy, I don't want everything to fall apart. Long distance relationships are hard as it is. But military life long distance relationships? Half the time I find myself thinking, "How in the world is it going to work?" But then I think some more, or he'll encourage me, and...then I think "Well, love is strong enough to get through anything, isn't it?" If we can't count on love to get us through that, then what can people count on?

It's not that I'm a control freak - I'm really not. It just gets overwhelming to feel like my own life, my own feelings, are out of my control.

Wow, I wrote so much more than I meant to, and I have so much more on my mind. I feel a little better though.